she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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