his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You are the jesus of drinking
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
