just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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