Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize