when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
3 2 1 whiskey
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
