well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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