I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
