well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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