Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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