I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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