It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
