sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
