i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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