i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
two words: eviction party
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
