How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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