I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
