Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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