I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
