I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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