my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
