three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
