I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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