This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
