he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
