I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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