the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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