at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
