Plan B is the new Plan A
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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