everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
