oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
