finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
