Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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