We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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