btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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