I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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