Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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