R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
