Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
