I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
