Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
