I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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