booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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