i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
