My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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