In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
