Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
