Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
