I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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