just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
