The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You took a bar mat shot.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
